What to do when my best isn't good enough?

As I've said... I just write what is on my mind. Tonight, my mind is tired. My heart is heavy. I feel overwhelmed. I'm writing to try and figure out for myself what to do when my best just isn't good enough?

This school year has kicked me in the rear. Honestly, I am not qualified to be teaching reading to 6,7 & 8 graders-- and I apoloigze to any parents of my students who may stumble across this. But it isn't a secret- my teaching qualifications are public knowledge. My certificates read: K-8 general education, K-12 special education, MA of curriculum and instruction, and "professional teacher." There is no reading endorsement anywhere. Thanks to the "highly qualified teacher" requirement put into place by our state government, however, I am considered "highly qualified" because I've taught this subject matter for enough years. Nevermind I have only taught 6th grade language arts for 5 years and nevermind the fact the 6th grade, 11 year old brain is much less developed than the 8th grade, 14 year old brain. (Ugh!) Therefore, I am engaged in a constant struggle to stay a half a step ahead of my seventh and eighth graders. I'm staying up past midnight and dragging myself out of bed at 4:45 and still getting to school late. I'm planning parts of my day on my drive to work each morning. When I focus on planning and preparing lessons, my weekly 150-300 papers get set aside. When I concentrate on grading those papers, my lesson planning and prep gets set aside. I have parents calling my principal complaining that I don't post enough grades and I need to post more frequently. Sad thing is, I get it. It's true. I should be grading more and posting more frequently. It's just that I'm doing the best I can and it's obvioulsy not enough. Honestly, I'm completely tapped out and we haven't even reached semester yet. I cannot imagine continuing this pace for 5 more months. And, on top of all this, I am lacking motivation, focus and inspiration. I'm just tired. So... I'm going to fess up to my principal tomorrow. I hate admitting weakness, but more so, I hate performing poorly-- so I think it's time. I don't know what I expect him to say- I'm not looking for a pep talk and I certainly don't have a "plan" for him to consider. I have no expectation other than sitting down and letting him know how I'm feeling, promising to continue to work hard, then leaving his office with my tail between my legs.

Tonight, I have an 8 year old who is sick but will love spending tomorrow with his grandma while I go to work and leave my heart at home with him. An 8 year old who needs more from me than I am able to give him-- I should be taking him swimming, taking him to additional therapy appointments. -Putting his needs before my job. I have an 11 year old who, I truly believe, suffers from bouts of depression. As much as I try not to have it be the case... he seems to feel like the "forgotten child"-- nestled between the big, strong, athletic first-born and the heart-stealing, attention demanding, disbled youngest brother. He even takes a back seat to his only girl cousin on the Kincaid side and be held in constant comparison to her older brother- who seems to always have the cards fall his direction. If I had a dollar for every tear he's shed over a bruised spirit... And my 12 year old, who is only 48 hours away from becomig a teenager, told me tonight he doesn't want to celebrate his 13th birthday with friends because he doesn't feel like he has any right now. He feels alienated. He feels alone. He is being treated poorly by those he once considered his best friends and he even wants to quit basketball. There's nothing I can say that is making his heart hurt less. My husband went to bed without me, again, because I had 65 worksheets with comprehension questions requiring "claim support" to correct and grade by tomorrow. Until these last few months, we would always turn in together and fall asleep to the 11 o'clock news. It's amazing how much just a few minutes at the end of a busy day can keep us remembering why we got married in the first place. It's a ritual we both miss, and the absense of it is taking a toll.

So, if you're still reading, know that I didn't post this hoping to recieve a bunch of inspirational, pat-on-the back comments or emails. I didn't post this to whine and complain. ...At least I don't think of "venting" as whining and complaining, necessarily. I mean, you're reading this by choice-- I'm not holding you captive on the phone or in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. This post was just for me to try and figure out what to do now. I can't say that it's instantly helped me to write it out, but it has calmed me down enough I may be able to sleep tonight. I know I need to pray, and I have been. I know I'm not alone in this. I know I should be thankful that my neice didn't just turn up dead in her dorm room or my husband die in an avalanche. I know all that. It's just that knowing it isn't helping me feel any more excited or prepared to face the 130+ students that will be coming through my classroom door tomorrow. I used to love my job. I want that back. Not too long ago, my "best" was good enough for me, for my students and their parents, for my children, and for my husband. But it's not anymore. Ugh. -So what does that mean for me now??