Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

... the view from my living room this evening. beautiful.

What to do when my best isn't good enough?

As I've said... I just write what is on my mind. Tonight, my mind is tired. My heart is heavy. I feel overwhelmed. I'm writing to try and figure out for myself what to do when my best just isn't good enough?

This school year has kicked me in the rear. Honestly, I am not qualified to be teaching reading to 6,7 & 8 graders-- and I apoloigze to any parents of my students who may stumble across this. But it isn't a secret- my teaching qualifications are public knowledge. My certificates read: K-8 general education, K-12 special education, MA of curriculum and instruction, and "professional teacher." There is no reading endorsement anywhere. Thanks to the "highly qualified teacher" requirement put into place by our state government, however, I am considered "highly qualified" because I've taught this subject matter for enough years. Nevermind I have only taught 6th grade language arts for 5 years and nevermind the fact the 6th grade, 11 year old brain is much less developed than the 8th grade, 14 year old brain. (Ugh!) Therefore, I am engaged in a constant struggle to stay a half a step ahead of my seventh and eighth graders. I'm staying up past midnight and dragging myself out of bed at 4:45 and still getting to school late. I'm planning parts of my day on my drive to work each morning. When I focus on planning and preparing lessons, my weekly 150-300 papers get set aside. When I concentrate on grading those papers, my lesson planning and prep gets set aside. I have parents calling my principal complaining that I don't post enough grades and I need to post more frequently. Sad thing is, I get it. It's true. I should be grading more and posting more frequently. It's just that I'm doing the best I can and it's obvioulsy not enough. Honestly, I'm completely tapped out and we haven't even reached semester yet. I cannot imagine continuing this pace for 5 more months. And, on top of all this, I am lacking motivation, focus and inspiration. I'm just tired. So... I'm going to fess up to my principal tomorrow. I hate admitting weakness, but more so, I hate performing poorly-- so I think it's time. I don't know what I expect him to say- I'm not looking for a pep talk and I certainly don't have a "plan" for him to consider. I have no expectation other than sitting down and letting him know how I'm feeling, promising to continue to work hard, then leaving his office with my tail between my legs.

Tonight, I have an 8 year old who is sick but will love spending tomorrow with his grandma while I go to work and leave my heart at home with him. An 8 year old who needs more from me than I am able to give him-- I should be taking him swimming, taking him to additional therapy appointments. -Putting his needs before my job. I have an 11 year old who, I truly believe, suffers from bouts of depression. As much as I try not to have it be the case... he seems to feel like the "forgotten child"-- nestled between the big, strong, athletic first-born and the heart-stealing, attention demanding, disbled youngest brother. He even takes a back seat to his only girl cousin on the Kincaid side and be held in constant comparison to her older brother- who seems to always have the cards fall his direction. If I had a dollar for every tear he's shed over a bruised spirit... And my 12 year old, who is only 48 hours away from becomig a teenager, told me tonight he doesn't want to celebrate his 13th birthday with friends because he doesn't feel like he has any right now. He feels alienated. He feels alone. He is being treated poorly by those he once considered his best friends and he even wants to quit basketball. There's nothing I can say that is making his heart hurt less. My husband went to bed without me, again, because I had 65 worksheets with comprehension questions requiring "claim support" to correct and grade by tomorrow. Until these last few months, we would always turn in together and fall asleep to the 11 o'clock news. It's amazing how much just a few minutes at the end of a busy day can keep us remembering why we got married in the first place. It's a ritual we both miss, and the absense of it is taking a toll.

So, if you're still reading, know that I didn't post this hoping to recieve a bunch of inspirational, pat-on-the back comments or emails. I didn't post this to whine and complain. ...At least I don't think of "venting" as whining and complaining, necessarily. I mean, you're reading this by choice-- I'm not holding you captive on the phone or in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. This post was just for me to try and figure out what to do now. I can't say that it's instantly helped me to write it out, but it has calmed me down enough I may be able to sleep tonight. I know I need to pray, and I have been. I know I'm not alone in this. I know I should be thankful that my neice didn't just turn up dead in her dorm room or my husband die in an avalanche. I know all that. It's just that knowing it isn't helping me feel any more excited or prepared to face the 130+ students that will be coming through my classroom door tomorrow. I used to love my job. I want that back. Not too long ago, my "best" was good enough for me, for my students and their parents, for my children, and for my husband. But it's not anymore. Ugh. -So what does that mean for me now??

Chores....

I just love this kid and I love this picture. The boys love going with their dad. They aren't afraid of work or chores, and today, Brett got a lesson on defrosting the chicken water. One is suppose to be able to plug it in and not worry about the risk of freezing, but the darn thing doesn't seem to work. So... our below freezing temps have made this particular chore advance from a once-a-day activity to a twice-a-day activity. He doesn't seem to mind!

My Inner Control Freak

Working outside the home full time has required that I "let some things go," so to speak. It is simply impossible to maintain the kind of organization and tidiness that my heart desires when our schedule often requires that we zip out the door by 7:15 in the morning and return, most evenings, some time after 7. Dinner, laundry, homework, some amount of quality family time, my own job requirements... all that must come before acting on my urge to straighten the shoes that have been deserted on the door mat- I've trained those boys, but not well enough that they bother to straighten their kicked-aside shoes! It really is an uncontrollable urge that I have, there's no other way to describe it. I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I have taken a great deal of teasing and endured several cruel pranks because of it. No matter. It's a desire for orderliness that I have attempted to manage with medication, but after gaining 10 pounds and hosting a 4th of July party for 30 people and spacing-out on purchasing the required paper products... I decided chemical regulation wasn't worth it! OCD? I don't know. Maybe to a degree. But I really think it just comes from a desire to control something. When so much of my life spins out in the dust while I watch from the window (figuratively speaking ...for the most part!), I get a sense of calmness when what IS within my control, is controlled! Does that make sense? Ugh. Anyway, teaching full time, managing a busy family, and being married to a man who continues to work harder and longer as the years pass us by, has made it physically impossible for me to maintain much order in this house. Delegating the towel folding means they aren't all going to be folded and stacked exactly the same way and, therefore, will likely fall on the head of the person who opens the linen closet , delegating the dishwasher emptying means my spatulas might end up in the basket by the cooktop rather than their specific cubby in the drawer, delegating household chores means there will still be crumbs on the floor and dust on half of the television screen. However, it also means our time is managed more efficiently so we have time for the more important things. And... everyone learns to respect the "household" (and may even think twice before throwing that *clean* sweatshirt that is on the bedroom floor into the laundry basket if they realize they'll just be sorting, washing, folding and putting it away later). My husband graciously treats me to a housekeeper who cleans, shines, and polishes her way through the house on a weekly basis- and for this, I am eternally grateful! Christmas Vacation, however, is one time when I give my Inner Control Freak 2 days to go crazy. Broken toys are tossed and clothing and other items distributed to thrift shops. 20 Hefty bags flung into the back of a truck and 3 trips to Palouse Industries later.... my Inner Control Freak is satisfied and I am basking in the glow of the labelled bins with the appropriate contents, organized closets, and baskets of freshly "Lysol-ed and batteried" toys! Some of the organization will last all year, some will last until morning... but for now, I am a happy woman! Tomorrow, I'm back to work to prepare for the start of school on Monday... back to delegating the chores and smiling when I find my kitchen shears in the desk drawer!

Summer shoes are in the basement, winter shoes have taken their place in the closet!

50 pair of hand-me-down Wranglers, labeled with sizes and stored away!

Welcome home, spatulas!

"Broken down" machinery has been hauled away and everything is back in its respective "shed!"

All is right again in with my spice rack... Mustard BEFORE Nutmeg, of course!

...weathering the storm

We had record winds in our area last night, so today, I am thankful we still have shingles on the roof and that the last of my leaves blew to Albion! At 60+ mph, the winds, rain, and lightening created quite a racket! Amazingly, the boys all slept peacefully through the storm. I can't say the same for Dennis, the dogs, and me-- we woke to what sounded like marbles hitting our windows-- so it was a short night in our house. With the sunrise we learned we had come through ok-- the buried trampoline remained intact, no big limbs (or trees) fell in our yard, or more importantly on our house!, and we stayed warm and "illuminated" since our power only flickered a few times. Our only signs of major damage are 2 ruined grain bins-- one that was ripped off its foundation and went airborne, landing in the ditch along the highway, and another that was blown over but still attached to the foundation. Thankfully, no one was hurt as the result of that incident, and Dennis learned his pickup can pull a sideways grain bin down the road! So today, we are thankful for weathering another storm! ...And thankful that we are experiencing much quieter conditions tonight!

...Monday

Today's note of Thanksgiving is simple for me... I'm thankful there are Mondays so I can best appreciate Fridays! It was "one of those days" for me, and I'm not complaining-- but appreciating the fact that today is over and Friday is just 4 sleeps away!

...clean closets and drawers

Today I am thankful for the simple fact that Tyler and Brett's closets and drawers are, for the moment, organized! I swear we just went through everything before school started! How is it that in 3 months, they generated 2 bags of clothes that will now find new homes thanks to Palouse Industries Thrift Shop?! They are both growing out of things faster than they are wearing them out. So for today, I'm thankful that they're drawers are closing easily, their shirts are hanging according to color and sleeve-length (yes, I'm weird about that!), and all holey underwear and socks have left the premises!